It’s Christmas by some miracle. I’ve gone through so many changes and I feel in awe of both my success and my happiness in contrast to 12 months ago when I was on the precipice of a year which seemed hopeless from the start. On Christmas day last year I was suffering from depression, staring into space trying to work out where my life had gone. 2009 saw me lose my house, my boyfriend, my dog, my job and my self respect. 2010 saw me build my life back up from all of that nothing into happiness, a good job, good people, self respect and laughter again. In retrospect I tried to deal with too much and I failed. I spent the beginning of the year barely able to get up out of bed and make myself eat or leave the house. My days became a cycle of getting up at 3pm, eating one meal and riding on the exercise bike for ten minutes before succumbing to music and staring at the wall for the rest of the day. Time became nothing and I felt content inside myself. I look back on it now with distaste, not because I should have done something differently, the way I felt dictated my actions and that’s fine, but more for my mindset, more for the fact that I let myself succumb to that depression, which is just not in my nature.  I look ahead now, I see opportunity and possibilities in everything. I talk freely to whomever I please, I feel confident in my job, I work hard and I play hard and I allow myself time to do things I love. Listening to music, reading, seeing my friends. Nothing seems unlikely or out of reach anymore, despite the fact that i feel an invisible question mark over everything I don’t have. Will I meet the right man ? Will I be alone forever ? Will I have the family I want so much ?  I never felt regret or disappointment in the way my childhood went, in being brought up by just my mother and having no siblings or father in my life. However, as I’ve grown older and I’ve become more open to things and more honest with myself I’ve realised that I miss having a family so much. I have always said that you don’t miss what you don’t have but I see now what I don’t have so clearly that it makes me ache for the days when I can have it too.   There’ll always be things to feel sad about, people who will treat me badly, people I will treat badly in turn… I need to be less self critical but at least I know what I want now. I know and I can see it ahead of me. Fate seems like a terrible word for what I trust in but it is what I trust in…Some things seem so right to me that destiny must be a part of it but really I know it’s my will and my focus that directs me but it’s nice to believe in a right path, it’s nice to think that there’s a lovely man somewhere enjoying Christmas with his family and friends and one day he’ll brighten my life and share with me that same happiness. I have realised that family is my only ambition and I don’t even set out to achieve it, only to believe in myself enough to make life work.

It’s Christmas by some miracle. I’ve gone through so many changes and I feel in awe of both my success and my happiness in contrast to 12 months ago when I was on the precipice of a year which seemed hopeless from the start. On Christmas day last year I was suffering from depression, staring into space trying to work out where my life had gone. 2009 saw me lose my house, my boyfriend, my dog, my job and my self respect. 2010 saw me build my life back up from all of that nothing into happiness, a good job, good people, self respect and laughter again. In retrospect I tried to deal with too much and I failed. I spent the beginning of the year barely able to get up out of bed and make myself eat or leave the house. My days became a cycle of getting up at 3pm, eating one meal and riding on the exercise bike for ten minutes before succumbing to music and staring at the wall for the rest of the day. Time became nothing and I felt content inside myself. I look back on it now with distaste, not because I should have done something differently, the way I felt dictated my actions and that’s fine, but more for my mindset, more for the fact that I let myself succumb to that depression, which is just not in my nature.

 I look ahead now, I see opportunity and possibilities in everything. I talk freely to whomever I please, I feel confident in my job, I work hard and I play hard and I allow myself time to do things I love. Listening to music, reading, seeing my friends. Nothing seems unlikely or out of reach anymore, despite the fact that i feel an invisible question mark over everything I don’t have. Will I meet the right man ? Will I be alone forever ? Will I have the family I want so much ?

 I never felt regret or disappointment in the way my childhood went, in being brought up by just my mother and having no siblings or father in my life. However, as I’ve grown older and I’ve become more open to things and more honest with myself I’ve realised that I miss having a family so much. I have always said that you don’t miss what you don’t have but I see now what I don’t have so clearly that it makes me ache for the days when I can have it too. 

 There’ll always be things to feel sad about, people who will treat me badly, people I will treat badly in turn… I need to be less self critical but at least I know what I want now. I know and I can see it ahead of me. Fate seems like a terrible word for what I trust in but it is what I trust in…Some things seem so right to me that destiny must be a part of it but really I know it’s my will and my focus that directs me but it’s nice to believe in a right path, it’s nice to think that there’s a lovely man somewhere enjoying Christmas with his family and friends and one day he’ll brighten my life and share with me that same happiness. I have realised that family is my only ambition and I don’t even set out to achieve it, only to believe in myself enough to make life work.