I keep finding myself lost, as though waking up in the middle of the road or driven out to an empty corner. I can’t concentrate, or make sense of myself.

I feel as though, the more I try to understand myself, the less I can make out. I’m seeking something unobtainable, an answer to a question I haven’t thought of. Everytime I try and look in the mirror I just can’t comprehend the person that looks back at me. I suppose at the end of a massive series of changes you feel as though you want something to be waiting for you. A reward perhaps, for having survived.

 I think it’s unusual to find myself alone, I’ve realised that I have always lived a life of waiting. Sitting by the window waiting to be collected from my childminder, Jackie or even Lynne. Pacing the hallway and sitting on the stairs just waiting for my Mothers car to pull into the drive, after her long hours spent at the hospital I still wanted her to enrich my day. I don’t know what I was expecting. I can certainly entertain myself, I know how to enjoy people and the passing of the time, but there is still that question mark over all of my accomplishments. Is this right ? Is this what I expected? Am I compromising myself ?

I keep achieving at work, faster than I even wanted. I keep being paid more and more money for doing less and less that I like. I find myself constantly re-evaluating, seperating happiness from necessity. I can live without the money, because it’s not money that I want. I can close the door on audits, paper exercises, floor plans, commerciality, HR. I don’t really give a fuck about it but the words effortlessly flow out of my mouth, a long stream of producitvity and transaction values, words that mean nothing to me yet keep pushing me up a ladder I don’t remember stepping on.

In that area I can achieve. In my personal life I keep falling down. I remember at college, we talked a lot about the work/life balance. I always worked, 3 or 4 days a week as well as college, I couldn’t leave it alone. At 16 I ran a photography lab and just devoted more time than I could afford to it just because I felt like I was able to be productive without having to discuss it. I never got that satisfaction from my academic endeavours, I never felt like I made anything of worth, a head full of half formed ideas and my portfolio work abandoned across two colleges because I just ran away.

So I’ve got work right, it’s high up on the scale and my life is on the floor. I’m different people. At work I’m focused, efficient, constantly evaluating, deciding, considering, setting objectives and creating oportunities. At home I’m looking at photos of things I’ve done and wondering where all the people went.